Eclipsed

Last night, my little corner of the world had the good fortune of relatively clear skies for viewing the lunar eclipse. For the astronomy geek residing in my brain, the eclipse provided a glimpse into the workings of the heavens.

For another part of me, the event provided me with a new perspective on things. Friends and regular blog readers have by now figured out that the last few months have been rough. Sorrow and struggle have been daily companions and whenever I feel that I am about to part company with these two, they borrow a little deeper into my soul.

Life has been filled with darkness as of late, but the eclipse has reminded me that the darkness is only temporary. Like the moon, I now travel in darkness, shadowed by something greater than myself, the gravity of which I cannot escape. Like the eclipse, this darkness is only a temporary state. In time, I will again stand apart from darkness and reflect the light and beauty of the universe. This darkness is only an impermanent shadow, from which my soul will emerge full again.

Random Thoughts - Putting a Window in that Wall

When life is not going well, I tend to withdraw into myself and put up barriers that would make a certain wall in China look less than Great. I am a Cancer after all and we excel at the fine art of retreating into our shell in times of turmoil. We also tend to snap at those who would try to come near us during those times, often whether they deserve it or not. Cancers have been known to snap at their dearest friends when feeling vulnerable; never mind what we do to those who we hold less dear. It's not right, but it is how we sometimes cope.

I have to admit that, in recent weeks (ok, since October) I've been playing the role of the crab a little too well. Those who know me well are aware of all things that conspired between Andy and myself, some of which I'm just not willing to share publicly. Sometimes I feel like I was handed a couple of very precious gifts only to have them taken back and smashed to bits in front of me. I miss him and I miss the life that I only had a mere moment of. Aside from love and loss, life in general just hasn't been very kind lately. So I've been slowly building layers of brick and mortar, withdrawing from my own life.

Closing doors and shutting out people is a well-honed skill for me. I excel at it after a childhood of constantly moving and a lifetime of battling depression. It's a good skill to have, unless of course, you close all the doors and shut everyone out. I've been edging closer and closer to doing just that.

Fortunately, I have a couple of friends and one guardian angel who will not stand for it. If the walls start getting too high, they start taking bricks down as fast as I can put them up. Between them, they always find some way to bring me out of myself. When simply saying "Stop behaving this way", one of them always manages to come up with a more subtle way to bring me out of my shell. This time they did it by giving me several pokes to check in with an online group where I had previously been fairly active.

After much resistance, I finally took a quick peek at the group. Someone who reminds me too much of myself (a depressed hermit crab!) had posted that day for the first time in weeks, a post full of deep pain, sorrow, and hurt. It was what I needed to snap me out of my self-imposed isolation and into action. It is impossible to stay withdrawn when I know that someone else needs desperately words of encouragement and acceptance. The geas to comfort and aid those I can is too strong and ingrained in me to be ignored. So I put a window into the wall I was building. I'm not quite ready to completely emerge, but I am ready to let in some light and air. Thank you to the people who helped me do that; you cannot know how much it means to me. I thank my Lady every day for putting you all in my life.

It Was Only a Dream... Thank the Gods!

I've spent entirely too much time lately pondering all the ways in which my life hasn't lived up to its potential. Included in this pondering has been the question of how differently my life would be if I'd choosen the safe, well-trod path of all that is normal and average. Last night, I recieved the answer to that question, in the form of a long and horrific dream.

The dream lasted most of the night and came in various tableaus that roughly covered the entire period of cradle to grave. The highlights, if you can call them that, included becoming a hairdresser, having a simple yet terrifically expensive white wedding in a Christian church, accepting a husband who was a full-time accountant and part-time couch potato named Bob, creating a marriage based on begruding tolerance with a dash of affection, maintaining a ridiculous house in the 'burbs, having kids who thought playing football and going to the mall were religious experiences, taking a Disney cruise every year, and eventually dying of old age and boredom in a sappily-named retirement community in a skin-cancer ridden state. It was a very regular, secure, safe life in which the most upsetting occurrances tended to be things like the death of a pet or the family arguments about where to order take-out food. It was an existence protected from all that is dark, scary, and unknown. It was happy, safe, boring, and by most standards, perfect. It was full of sunshine and daisies and completely vanilla flavored. In short, it was hell.

What made it so bad was not what it provided, but all the things that were missing from the reality of who I am. The really obvious things were gone: tattoos, multiple peircings, love of all things dark, my ability to spew witty sarcasms at the speed of light. Then there were the other things that are so integral to who I am... the very strong spirituality, the ability to see and understand things that most people are blind to, the need to wander and explore, my insatiable curiousity, and my openness to lifestyles other than my own. The dream was filled with a bright pleasantness, yet enveloped by a mediocrity and closed-mindedness that I can't begin to wrap my head around. Frighteningly enough, I was quite happy within the context of the dream and wouldn't have traded that life for any other. That aspect scares me more than any other.

So, even though I've gotten a sneak peek at what my world could have been like, I'm more than grateful to have been given the life I have. No, it's not perfect and yes, I tend to be the token freak at most gatherings. However, I've been fortunate to have some incredible, unique experiences and I've also been blessed with a good deal of love in my life. Presented with the choice, I'd gladly take the precious time I had with Andy over a lifetime with the man I'd married in that dream. The well-trodden and secure path has never been mine to take. Although I may sometimes question it, deep in my soul I know that the life I am living is the one I'm meant to have. There may be pain and darkness at times, but I am a more complete person for it.